Poop is funny.
So after reading the few articles I've posted since moving to this site, I realize I've been a bit benevolent. I seem to be simmering down and shying away. To much metaphysical, not enough mega maniacal. That's no fucking good.
So today, I'm going to lash out. Today I'm going to make a call to arms. Today, I declare war...on Twilight.
That's right. I let Hairy Potter run it's course and I didn't say anything. Even though it's called "Hairy Potter." I mean come on... There's a list of rules when writing any sort of material targeted to children. One of the top rules on that list, "If a character's first name is an adjective, make sure the second word is not a noun that can be twisted to refer to genitals." Is that really such a hard rule to follow?
But this is not a tale about Hairy and his Potter. This is a fucked up bitch fest against sparkling vampires and the whores that fuck werewolves that love them.
What is it about the our desire to turn every idea into shit? We take some cool as shit mythology, like vampires, and we dumb them down to Dawson's Creek with fangs. And am I the only one waiting for Chris Hansen to show up? This bushy eye-browed pedophile states he's over 100, yet he's diddlin the twat of a high schooler. What kind of fucked up role model is that?
And speaking of twats, the whiny depressed woe-is-me thing is so goddamn played out. If I go to see a movie about vampires, I want to see fanged creatures of the night. Not hormonal whores that get wet at mythological creatures. If the Lock Ness monsters shows up she's libel to cream her knickers.
Another thing... since when do vampires shine in the sun? Aren't they supposed to burst into flame or some such shit? Why are they running around trying to stop people from seeing him sparkle? As though everybody knows vampires sparkle in the sun, and the secret would be out.
Remember the 80s? When ideas were original? When people made movies about vampires that were edgy, serious, dark, frightening...what? Lost Boys? Hey fuck you! Alex Winters is a fucking GOD!
Before I sign off for tonight's episode of fucked up rants from my merry melancholy mind, let me introduce the next new digital feature. G's fucked up photo of the moment... Enjoy.
As always, peace, love, and a tribute to the warrior that is Ashton Kutcher.
I remain,
G
