My words penetrate your mind like the dirty unwanted sex of a drunken prom night mistake that haunts you for 18 years to come. The verbal abortion of thought forced into your head, the product of taking a drink from a stranger. As you read my words, you beg me to stop, but somehow find the intrusion of my toxicity satisfying. Against your will you kneel on knees of worship and pray for another taste of poison sperm... figuratively speaking.
Oh my twisted little darlings, how I have missed you. It has been far too long that the demon within me has slept. I shouldn't say slept. It may have been caged, but it's hardly been sleeping. Nothing can sooth the beast to sleep, not the agony of the business world, or the trembling fingertips of relationships, the silly flustered feelings of financial woes, or even the temperament of old age.
But I feel like I've been holding back. I have given you my hate, my judgement, my ridicule, and my sarcasm, but that only allows us to relate on so many levels. So instead of just providing the occasional observation of mankind's excrement, I'll throw myself up a bit. I'll cut myself open for autopsy and place my guts on the table for you to sift through.
Even I am not arrogant enough to think you really give a fuck who I am, what I do for a living, where I live, what my first dog's name was, or any other that insipid mindless boring-as-fuck bullshit. That's not the guts. It's barely the foreskin.
So I'll do my very best to entertain, educate, and maybe even captivate you with the tales of splendor, sadness, and sadism that I've come to witness and experience first hand.
I remember the first time I ever had sex with a stranger.
Well, that's sort of a general generic attention capturing way to start. What the fuck does that mean? We're all strangers on some level or another, and the argument could even be made that we all know each other on some level. Blame Kevin Bacon for that shit.
I'll explain in more description at the risk of losing the shock value. By "stranger" I mean someone I was not friends with, had not met more than a 4 hours before hand, and if I ever knew her last name it has eluded me.
We met through a friend of mine, with the certainty of this friend (who apparently knew me far less than I thought) that we would hate each other. She voted Republican, worshiped Christ Almighty, and believed that life started at conception. In hindsight, that last bit should have made me think twice, but the "heart" wants what the "heart" wants. It may have been some other organ thinking at the time, though.
I'll move past the uneventful evening of overpriced, locally brewed beer sipping and the intellectual discussion the three of us began around the eventual collapse of the home-loan bubble. None of that plays much into the story. Eventually my friend submitted to the over-priced beer and collapsed in an alcohol coma. As drool hung from his mouth like morning dew from a flower, his small-breasted counterpart and I moved to the front porch for a cigarette and discussion about Star Wars. Well, I shouldn't call it a discussion. In fact, she had never seen a single film. In this day and age... It's hard to imagine.
I summarized the films as she sipped another bottle, until I was rudely interrupted by her hands at my belt. Now, I had argued with this woman for the better part of the evening, and apparently arguing politics and science fiction is a seductive quality.
With pants around my ankles and a head full of moral ambiguity, I shuffled back into the house to the bedroom. I praised the invisible man in the sky for leaving a single condom in the nightstand, and together we sinned more than God's only begotten son could ever redeem us for.
It wasn't necessarily good sex, but it wasn't bad. It was emotionless and hollow and left me feeling vastly unfulfilled, but she could put her legs behind her head and she came like a banshee. If nothing else my ego was re-inflated a bit.
After words we sat there in the dark bedroom for a few minutes, neither of us saying much. I went to the bathroom and when I came back in she was dressed. She made up a story about having breakfast with her parents the next morning, and invited me to come with her to church the following Sunday. I contemplated the ultimate heresy of "after-church-fornication" but ultimately decided I couldn't stomach a sermon even for that.
She left me a voicemail a few days later and said we should get coffee sometime, but nothing ever came of it. That would only have cheapened our already cheap and tawdry indecency. Why ruin something so deliciously devoid of meaning by pretending we actually liked each other? I had no false pretenses, and I had no interest of building them.
I've loved women I never fucked. I've fucked women I didn't love. I've masturbated to images of women I've never fucked or loved. I've even loved a woman here and there that I actually managed to trick into sleeping with me. None was better or worse than the other, they only served to satiate different aspects of my psyche. Sometimes you need to love someone. Sometimes you need to fuck someone. Sometimes you need to smoke a joint, do a few shots, watch an internet video of a girl blowing a horse, and cum in a tube sock. That's just the way we're built.
The problems only begin when we mistake love for lust, or lust for love. The douche-baggery of mankind will always be our inability to admit what we want and what we need, both to each other and to ourselves.
If what you need is lust, then don't say you want a relationship when you really just want a hole. If what you need is love, then don't be a hole for someone that needs something else.
It's not just about relationships, it's about the Truth. It's about respecting yourself and those that may be goodly enough to take your penis in their mouth. The lies, the fear-mongering, the manipulation, these are the games of the weak. These are the tools of the salesmen and politicians. They are not ours, and they have no place in our lives.
See? See how I went from "shock-and-awe" to "heartfelt story" to "meaningful message"? Call me Jerry Springer and give me a daytime Emmy.
As always, peace, love, and Truth for you all.
I remain,
- G
