Two stories about women in as many days. What the fuck is wrong with me? Apparently I had some ridiculous amount of pent up ejaculatory that was swaying my mindset.
In keeping with the stories, I'm going to throw a different one at you tonight. Let's talk about movies. That's right, the grand cinema. The perfect palace of popcorn and paparazzi, bright lights and dim actors. But this story isn't about the movie I saw or the overpaid stars that clogged up it's metaphorical arteries. This story is all about the pinnacles of douche-bags in congregation.
It started off simple enough; a slow and uneventful Saturday night in a small town somewhere in the ass-end of Florida. I may hate the city, but the country is the bane of my very fucking existence. Plus, camo pants make my ass look fat.
So there I am, slightly sober and looking for something stupid to do. Instead, I went to a movie. The theater was small, the seats were narrow, and the ceiling was open exposing rafters and wires. Not that I'm a snob when it comes to my theater, but even I have standards.
As the opening credits began to roll, a large group of african-american teenagers began to shuffle into the room. It was less a shuffle, and more of a stampede, really. There isn't a huge point in mentioning that they were black, but they certainly did their part to live up to the stereotype set for them.
As this horde of about 20 or 30 youngsters, about 14 or 15 I'd say, entered, they did not observe the rules clearly in the standard movie-etiquette handbook. Now, maybe it wasn't their fault since they missed the announcement before the movie started where the cartoon animals parodied a Disney movie and said not to use cell phones during the movie.
So in come these kids. At full volume they spoke about matters completely unrelated to the film. They didn't seem to actually watch the film at all. Conversations blared and cell phones rang, beeped, and chimed so loudly I was certain a slot machine was about to give way to a jackpot at any moment.
This continued for about five minutes or so. After that time, they all got up and left together. The 6 people left in the theater all stared at one another, astonished by the strange situation we had just witnessed. Before we could laugh it off as a mild annoyance, the same group barged back into the theater screaming back and fourth about subjects I only caught random words. There was some discussion about whether or not someone could survive by eating nothing but male jism. That was particularly disturbing, but it does have a lot of protein so it might be possible.
It was at this time I began to become slightly annoyed.
After about five more minutes, they began to stand up and move around theater. It was at the point that one of them attempted to climb over the seats and grazed my inner thigh (I won't say if he made contact with a ball or not, but I will say that I reacted immediately).
Now, you have to understand... I am not once to force confrontation. I believe that we are all inherently good and decent. That said, these little poster children for abortion apparently needed some tough love.
I slowly move close to the shit stain that sat in front of me, and I said the following words about 6 inches from his ear:
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt as you obviously have important business here. If I could have a moment of your time, just a moment, I'd just like to make something clear. You are a plague upon the earth, and if you do not close your fucking mouth, I will physically remove you from this theater after inserting your cell phone sideways into your anus and twisting it."
I know, I know, you're all thinking the same thing. "Hate Crime." Well it didn't come down to that. While I may not think of myself as intimidating, apparently I can get a bit of a crazy eye thing going on when someone interupts my movie. The kid looked at me for about 20 seconds without saying anything, then he lept over the seat in front of him and ran out of the theater. The rest of the group followed after a few minutes, and I left town the next day so what the fuck did I care?
So would I really have fought this little teenage kid? Am I that devoid of morality? Am I some kind of monster? Only when I've been drinking.
As always, love, peace, and silent films for you all.
I remain,
- G
In keeping with the stories, I'm going to throw a different one at you tonight. Let's talk about movies. That's right, the grand cinema. The perfect palace of popcorn and paparazzi, bright lights and dim actors. But this story isn't about the movie I saw or the overpaid stars that clogged up it's metaphorical arteries. This story is all about the pinnacles of douche-bags in congregation.
It started off simple enough; a slow and uneventful Saturday night in a small town somewhere in the ass-end of Florida. I may hate the city, but the country is the bane of my very fucking existence. Plus, camo pants make my ass look fat.
So there I am, slightly sober and looking for something stupid to do. Instead, I went to a movie. The theater was small, the seats were narrow, and the ceiling was open exposing rafters and wires. Not that I'm a snob when it comes to my theater, but even I have standards.
As the opening credits began to roll, a large group of african-american teenagers began to shuffle into the room. It was less a shuffle, and more of a stampede, really. There isn't a huge point in mentioning that they were black, but they certainly did their part to live up to the stereotype set for them.
As this horde of about 20 or 30 youngsters, about 14 or 15 I'd say, entered, they did not observe the rules clearly in the standard movie-etiquette handbook. Now, maybe it wasn't their fault since they missed the announcement before the movie started where the cartoon animals parodied a Disney movie and said not to use cell phones during the movie.
So in come these kids. At full volume they spoke about matters completely unrelated to the film. They didn't seem to actually watch the film at all. Conversations blared and cell phones rang, beeped, and chimed so loudly I was certain a slot machine was about to give way to a jackpot at any moment.
This continued for about five minutes or so. After that time, they all got up and left together. The 6 people left in the theater all stared at one another, astonished by the strange situation we had just witnessed. Before we could laugh it off as a mild annoyance, the same group barged back into the theater screaming back and fourth about subjects I only caught random words. There was some discussion about whether or not someone could survive by eating nothing but male jism. That was particularly disturbing, but it does have a lot of protein so it might be possible.
It was at this time I began to become slightly annoyed.
After about five more minutes, they began to stand up and move around theater. It was at the point that one of them attempted to climb over the seats and grazed my inner thigh (I won't say if he made contact with a ball or not, but I will say that I reacted immediately).
Now, you have to understand... I am not once to force confrontation. I believe that we are all inherently good and decent. That said, these little poster children for abortion apparently needed some tough love.
I slowly move close to the shit stain that sat in front of me, and I said the following words about 6 inches from his ear:
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt as you obviously have important business here. If I could have a moment of your time, just a moment, I'd just like to make something clear. You are a plague upon the earth, and if you do not close your fucking mouth, I will physically remove you from this theater after inserting your cell phone sideways into your anus and twisting it."
I know, I know, you're all thinking the same thing. "Hate Crime." Well it didn't come down to that. While I may not think of myself as intimidating, apparently I can get a bit of a crazy eye thing going on when someone interupts my movie. The kid looked at me for about 20 seconds without saying anything, then he lept over the seat in front of him and ran out of the theater. The rest of the group followed after a few minutes, and I left town the next day so what the fuck did I care?
So would I really have fought this little teenage kid? Am I that devoid of morality? Am I some kind of monster? Only when I've been drinking.
As always, love, peace, and silent films for you all.
I remain,
- G