I bit of a back and forth I had recently got my blood boiling for some good healthy debate about what some may call politics, but I call an aversion to death. I'm talking about gun control.
Yes, it's not in the standard realm of sex, pornography, and masturbation that I typically rant about, but I figured it was about time. Actually, a gun is pretty goddamn phallic in nature. Bullets are even more so. And for that matter, arrows, missiles, bombs, harpoons, swords, daggers, and old fashioned spears are all shaped like big dicks. This all goes to support my belief that violence is really just a way for men to shove their dicks in places they don't belong. If I can't fuck it, I'll kill it with a pointy dick...or an exploding dick.
There are two primary arguments for anti-gun control. So let's break it down and discuss each one.
1. "I need a gun for hunting."
First I need to admit, I do not understand the purpose of hunting. I do not understand what part of the reptilian brain says, "get out there and kill something." This is not killing for survival. This is not killing for necessity. Even for you down and dirty good 'ole boys that say you hunt for the meat, there's plenty of perfectly good meat down at Hy-Vee. Unless you live in the Australian Outback, there's no reason to not just go to Outback Steakhouse instead. It's much cleaner, and you don't have to pick any shrapnel out of your meal (maybe you will at Applebees).
So that said, I'll play Devil's advocate. Let's say you really do need to hunt for some ridiculous reason. Maybe you have a small penis and killing something fury in the woods makes you feel like Ron Jeremy. You claim that you need armor piercing bullets and semi-assault rifles in order to perform this task. Why? What deer wears a bullet proof vest?
If you're going to hunt, get a loin cloth, head out to the woods, sharpen some sticks and have at it. And when I say "woods" I don't mean "protected hunting grounds" where the animals are all fucking fenced in. If you're out deer hunting you shouldn't be able to back him into a corner.
And speaking of, what is this bull shit Quail hunting nonsense? They clip the birds feathers...THEY CLIP THEIR FEATHERS...and call that a sport? That's like hunting retarded opossums on the high way. There is no challenge, therefore there is no sport.
This brings us to the second defense:
2. I need guns for protection
Statistics speak for themselves. Countries with fewer gun regulations have higher gun related deaths. A gun in the home is twice as likely to hurt you then help you. You know who can have guns for protection? Drug dealers. Because they need them. Drug dealers deal with some crazy mother fuckers hopped up on meth and PCP with no inhibitions, a hair-line temper, and no sense of common sense at all. We should be arming the dealers in the name of humanity.
But maybe you don't think you need protection for others. Maybe you think you need protection from the United States itself, the government. In that case, I say we ship you down to South America with all your guns and let you fight the corrupt dictatorships there to your little hearts content. I may not agree with the government, or authority in general for that matter, but if I get to a point where I need to start shooting them...it's probably time for me to pick a new government. I hear Canada is nice this time of year. At least they have some decent weather right now. I could have written 12 pages on how much I hate the fucking summer in July. Even my goddamn balls are sweating.
But that's it. I masturbated 6 times before writing this and my hands are starting to cramp.
As always, love, peace, and phallic phasers for you all.
I remain,
- G
