It's finally cold. Okay, maybe not cold, but it's tolerable. While I may be dreading driving through the snow, there's something wonderful about the first day of the year that I can pull out the winter armor. Plus, smoking in cold weather is just nicer than smoking in warm. I don't know why. It's not logical, it just is. Do not question my declarations.
There's a few things I've been meaning to share with you. I don't want to go off on a rant here, but I've been noticing some particularly troublesome things. Anyone who's ever read my ridiculosity knows that I am a firm defender of Assholes, and a firmer maimer of douchebags. Assholes being the confident, though often self-centered, brutally honest among us, and douchebags being the full of shit, bag of dicks, backwards ball cap, date rapist, pre-torn jeans, popped collar mother fuckers.
So, let's talk about the different types of douchebags. There are many. And please, help me out with the names. Some of them are solid gold, others I feel could be improved upon.
Douchebag - The Standard Douchebag: White, male, between the ages of 16 and 30. Can be observed often wearing shirts with the collars popped, jeans that were purchased with wholes, and the upside-down visor or baseball cap. They tend to travel in packs, as do all douchebags. Often heard saying, "brah(bro)" to people he has never met.
Douche-black - The African-American Douchebag: Black, male, between the ages of 16 and 30. Usually wearing a white t-shirt that is significantly to long. Even though the shirt goes to his knees, his boxers can still clearly be seen before his pants start. This leads one to believe that these particular douchebags would be quite vulnerable to a swift kick in the fucking ass. Often seen using a head nod instead of speaking. Does not smile in photos.
Douche-bitch - The Female Douchebag: female, race may vary, between the ages of 16 and 30. Hair is usually very large, often including a "poof" of hair in the front created when the bangs are teased and pulled back. Looks like a poodle. They are usually several shades of artificially tan darker then they should be. This species of douchebag may be heard saying "OMG", "like(far often then necessary)" and quoting reality shows.
Posh-Bag - The Wealthy Douchebag: there are no age, gender, or racial limits on this piece of shit. If you work in the food-service industry, pray to any god that will listen that you don't get one of these mother fuckers at your table. Known for being exceptionally cheap, they are also known for having exceptionally small penises. Hence the overcompensation. Often wearing sunglasses indoors, and obviously artificially whitened teeth. He is the fucker drinking wine or a martini at a shitty bar on Friday night.
And last but not least, the most recent and appropriate addition to the list.....
The Douche-bagger - Also referred to as a "Tea Partier" or "Tea Bagger": The most recent incarnation of the ridiculously far to the right republican. Are they republican? Depends who you ask, but the Reps have recently flooded their ballots with Douche-bagger names, so I'm going to say that's a resounding yes. They can be recognized by stating ridiculously fundamentalist Christian ideals and trying to pass them off as political perspectives. Please, if you know anyone, ANYONE, that is a Douche-Bagger, do them a favor. slip the strongest laxative that Walgreens makes into their beverage. Because these people are just FULL of shit.
As always, love, peace, and anti-douchebag sentiment.
I remain,
- G
PS: If you have any sub-labels for douchebags that I didn't mention, please pass them along.
